Introduction

This is actually the third time I am reading this book and I have written down the key ideas for me to remember.

Recovering from a heartbreak was hard, it feels like the whole world around you is crumbling. During this period, I was filled with a mixed pot of emotions. Among those emotions was regret. Regret for not having expressed gratitude more often to her, for not appreciating her efforts enough, for taking her for granted and also by being more in love with the idea of her. Remorses for things I have done, for things I have said, for hurting her through words and actions, even though I didn’t have any bad intentions.

She was my first love, I did not have any previous experience in romantic relationship in any way. I was ignorant of many things and that is probably what led me, us to bring suffering into our relationship with each other.

How to communicate better, how to show appreciation, express gratitude, how to work through a conflict in a constructive way together, how to take criticism, how to apologize in a way that the other person really feel our apology as genuine and sincere, how to navigate through our emotions and cultivate positive emotions to avoid falling into a cycle of suffering created by our own mind. With the knowledge I had, I have given my all, my everything and it was devastating to see the flame of love slowly extinguishing right in front of our eyes. Feeling powerless and losing control.

Those are realizations are things that raised in my mind after the breakup. Sadly those kind of thoughts only appeared in my mind when I started meditating daily, analyzing every facets of our relationship, living it again and again from the beginning until the end, reliving each of my memories, our memories. I realized that I can improve on my behaviors and how I approach love.

During that time, I searched for answers, started reading books, writing and meditating frequently to really transforming my being.

The 5 Love Languages is the first book I read. As I turned each page and read the chapters, I noticed many interesting points were mentioned. Insights that resonated with me and made me realize that indeed, there are things that I can change and work on.

I hope that you will enjoy reading this book as much as I did and will grow into a better human being. 😄

What happens to love after the wedding

In this chapter, the author explains that similar to having spoken languages: French, English, German, … There are 5 love languages (with their respective dialects 😆).

People tend to speak generally in their own native language because it is the language we feel the most comfortable in, and thus communicate with the love language they are the most familiar with.

The author argues that one of the main reason why love fade after a marriage is because couples fail to understand each other’s love language and thus fail to communicate love in a way that is appreciated and felt by the spouse. What makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel loved emotionally.

Therefore, we must put in the effort to learn to communicate and understand other people’s love language.

Keeping the love tank full

The need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. For love we would do anything, from climbing mountains to crossing seas. Without love, everything becomes unbearable.

Love is essential to our emotional well-being. This search for love starts from children, they need love and affection. When children do not feel wanted, they seek love in the wrong places and in the wrong ways. The metaphor of the “love tank” refers to having our emotional needs met.

People have the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Therefore the author highlights that making efforts to keep this love tank full is the key to a lasting marriage.

I personally think that the author makes a good point. This concept of “love tank” and making efforts in order to meet the other person’s emotional needs is important for all kinds of relationships. Whether we got children, brothers, sisters, parents or friends, I think it is important to keep this picture of a love tank in our mind. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. Whenever we interact with someone, we can try being more attentive to the other person’s “love tank”, especially when the other person matters to you.

Falling in love

When we fall in love, everything seems so magical. We feel amazing, we think about that person day and night, we are obsessed. This “in-love” experience is euphoric. At our eyes, the other person seems so perfect and it is hard to believe anything else. We become willing to do anything for the benefit of our lover, we are guided by this “in-love” experience, we become irrational.

We wrongly believe that this amazing feeling, this happiness will last forever. Dr. Dorothy Tennov conducted studies on the “in-love” phenomenon and she concluded that the average lifespan of a romantic obsession is 2 years. After this, reality will set in and the little bumps we overlooked when we were in love now become huge mountains. We begin to assert ourselves, we will express our desires but they will differ. Little by little, this illusion of intimacy evaporates.

The obsession we feel at the beginning is ephemeral and if marriage was a book, it would only be the introduction. When reality sets in and the “in-love” experience has run its course, this is the moment where “real” love can begin. A love that unites reason and emotion. It requires responsibility and discipline from both people to make this work, this kind of love also recognizes the need for personal growth. This the moment where we “choose” to love the other person, not just out of instinct or emotion. We must find appropriate ways to express this decision.

“How do we meet each other’s deep, emotional need to feel loved ?” Keeping the love tank full is essential to a happy relationship.

Love language #1: Words of affirmation

Words of affirmation are basically ways to formulate verbally our love. They are generally express in a simple and straightforward way:

“You look incredible in this dress.”

“I really like how you’re always on time.”

“Thank you for xxx, I want you to know that I don’t take that for granted.”

“I want you to know that I really appreciate you doing this for me.”

“Oh, that is so sweet of you !” (+hug)

There are 4 main dialects in which we can communicate words of affirmation:

• verbal compliments
• encouraging words
• kind words
• humble words

Verbal compliments

Verbal compliments are very important, they are better motivators than nagging words !

Encouraging words

To encourage means “to inspire courage”. We all have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage and this lack of courage often hinders us from reaching our potential. We should encourage people through our words. This can really make an impact and really change someone’s perspective, inspiring them to take the first step.

Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from the other person’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. This is important because it should have to do with something that the other person desires, without that, the words will come across as judgmental and guilt inducing.

With verbal encouragement, we are trying to communicate: “I know, I care. I am with you. How can I help ?” We are trying to show that we believe in his/her abilities.

Kind words

Kind words has to do with the way we speak. We should have a gentle and soft tone of voice.

When our spouse is upset, we can practice compassion. We can choose to love and seek to put ourselves in their shoes, seeing the events through their eyes and then express softly why we think they feel that way. If we have wronged them, we can ask for forgiveness. If we have another point of view, we will explain our motivation kindly. Therefore, we will seek understanding and reconciliation, not to prove that our perception is the only logical interpretation.

None of us is perfect. Love doesn’t bring back past failures. Sometimes we say or do hurtful things to our spouse. We cannot erase the past, we can only confess and agree that it was wrong. We can only ask for forgiveness and try to improve for the future. “You are not a failure because you have failed.”

Humble words

Love make requests, not demands. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants. However, the way we express those desires is crucial. They should not come across as demands because this will erase any possibility of intimacy. We must instead give guidance in what we would like:

“Could you xxx ?”

“Do you think it will be possible for you to xxx ?”

When we make a request to someone, we are affirming his/her abilities to do something that is meaningful and worthwhile for us. Love is always a choice and this is what makes it meaningful. When we make a request we offer the choice to respond or deny the request. Therefore requests create the possibility to express love, to communicate that we respect and care about someone, to do something that pleases him/her, whereas demands destruct any possibility of intimacy.

Practicing

This deep need to feel appreciated, we all have it inside of us. Words of affirmation are one way to meet the need to feel appreciated.

The first thing we can do to improve is to collect those words or sentences in a list whenever we hear or read words of affirmation. This way, we can take inspiration from this collection in order to communicate our love to people.

We can also use indirect words of affirmation, when the person is not present, we could express our gratitude or appreciation towards this person to other people. Likewise, we can also praise the person in a public setting, in front of others (parents, friends, colleagues). For example, when given public honor for an accomplishment we can share the credit with your parter. The thing to remember, is that verbal appreciation is not only limited when we are with our partner in a 1 on 1 setting !

Written words of affirmation through letters, post-it and text messages have the great benefit that they can be read over and over again.

To help getting started with practicing, we can start by expressing verbal appreciation for things we like about the other person, list of positive traits, qualities, strengths. This list should be as specific as possible. This way, the words of affirmation are straightforward.

In addition to that, don’t forget that you can just thank your mate for something they do routinely and wouldn’t expect to be complimented for !

What would you most like your spouse to say to you ?

This question is actually very interesting.

I would like to feel appreciated. Appreciated for the efforts I make to show love, to become a better person. I would like to receive constructive feedback. I realize that I am not good at communicating my appreciation towards other people. I am not fluent in this language. Most of the time I really do feel grateful inside but it’s only painted in my mind. Sadly, other people cannot read my mind. Therefore, I also need to work on those aspects. By practicing every day at communicating love through my words.

Love language #2: Quality time

Quality time means to focus on the other person, to give someone our undivided attention, looking at each other and talking with devices put away, doing an activity together that the other person enjoys (and doing it wholeheartedly). Just being in the same room with someone is not enough, our attention should be focused on that one person we are spending time with, only then can we call it “being together”.

Spending time on an activity together while focused on each other is what creates the sense of togetherness. The activity is not what matters, what matters is that in this moment, we are spending time with each other → We must see the bigger picture !

Time is a precious commodity. When we sit down with our partner, and give each other our undivided attention. We are giving each other minutes of life ! We will never have those minutes again. Therefore, we are giving our lives to each other ! Quality time takes a whole other meaning, we can communicate love through quality time. It communicates that we care about each other, that we enjoy being with each other, that we like to do things together !

Quality Conversations

For someone whose primary love language is quality time, having a sympathetic dialogue where both individuals share their respective experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly and uninterrupted **context is crucial to his or her emotional sense of being loved.

Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversations focus on what we are hearing.

When we share love through means of quality time - conversations - we must listen well, because the goal is to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and desires. We want to communicate love by focusing on the other person, understanding them and showing them that we understand their perspective.

Learning how to listen

We must learn to listen well. In today’s world, we are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We sometimes make the mistake of only listening long enough to hear the problem and formulate a solution. However, a relationship is not a project or a problem to solve. A relationship requires sympathetic listening with a genuine desire to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and desires.

We should only give advice when it is requested and only in a kind manner.

Learning how to talk

Quality conversation not only requires sympathetic listening but also self-revelation. For intimacy to happen, we must share what we are thinking or feeling to our mate. For many people, especially those who grew up in homes where expressing thoughts, feelings and desires where not encouraged, this does not come naturally. Because we have learned to deny our feelings and thus are no longer in touch with our emotional selves.

However, to have intimacy, we must learn to reveal ourselves, to get in touch with our own feelings. “What emotions have I felt in the last 3 hours ?” We can recall an event and the feelings associated with it.

Self-revelation is the act of showing your private thoughts, opinions, or feelings. By communicating regularly to your mate about your own feelings and thoughts, this process will come more naturally.

Quality Activities

These are activities that generally interests one or both of the partners. However, the emphasis is not on what we are doing but on why we are doing it.

The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling like “he cares about me”. He is willing to do something with me that I enjoy and he did it with a positive attitude.

By sharing quality activities, it provides us with a memory bank from which to draw in the future. Those are memories of love, especially for someone whose primary love language is quality time.

What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time ?

I think what prevents me personally is that I have some progress to do in communicating/sharing my emotions, thoughts, feelings and desire. To open up faster but also formulate them in a kind manner. I realize that I tend to go back into my shell and raise walls. This I think would be what prevents quality time.

Practice

Conversations

• Listening for feelings.

What is the other person thinking ? feeling ? what are their desires ?

What emotion is he/she experiencing ?

When we have an idea, we can confirm it: “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot xxx”

Or we can ask questions for clarification to make sure that we know what they are thinking / feeling.

This allows the other person to clarify his/her feelings but also communicates that we are actively listening to what they are saying and that we are trying to understand them. This is great because we communicate that we understand their feelings.

• Observing body language

We can pay attention to their body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, eye brows, eye movements, hands, legs. Observing the person while listening to them can give us clues as to what they are feeling. Because sometimes, words can speak one message while body language speaks another.

• Offering non verbal cues

Likewise, we can also offer them non verbal cues to communicate that we are listening and giving them our full undivided attention. This can be done via: regular eye contact, nodding, attentive posture (facing towards them), eye brows, mouth (eg: open), hands (eg: hands over the head).

• Refuse to interrupt

This means that we should listen, while the other person is talking. We should not think about what we are going to say while they are still talking. We should refrain from defending ourselves, stating our position or hurling accusations at him/her while they are talking. The objective is to first seek and discover their thoughts and feelings. Only then, can there be a constructive discussion.

• Get rid of distractions

Don’t listen to them while doing something else. You want to give them full attention. If you are doing something else, you could say: “I know that you are trying to talk to me, I am interested but right now I cannot give you my full attention. If you give me 10 minutes to finish what I am doing, I will sit down and listen to you”.

Awareness

“What emotions have I felt in the last 3 hours ?”

We can recall an event and the feelings associated with it, then write it down somewhere or communicate those to someone.

If we do this 3 times a day, after a few weeks, we will become comfortable expressing our emotions with our partner.

→ eg: every day, each talk about 3 things that happened and how they feel about them, this could be done during dinner for example.

Activities

This can be done through activities such as: taking a walk, going out to eat, looking at each other and talking. It’s important to plan those times together.

• Spending a weekend in the mountains
• Meeting for lunch
• In the evening, sitting down together and talk about each other’s day
• Going on a picnic
• Taking a vacation together
• Going for a walk and talk
• …

What is essential is that:

1. At least one of us wants to do it (we can set time aside to do something they enjoy/interests them ^^)
2. The other is willing to do it
3. Both of us know why we are doing it (to express love by being together)

Love language #3: Receiving gifts

Gifts are fundamental expression of love. Gifts are reminder of love, good gifts often have emotional value. They are visual symbols of love.

The gift itself is a symbol that we were thinking of that person. It’s something that he/she can hold in his/her hand and think, “Look, he was thinking of me” “She remembered me”. The price is not important, what matters is that we were thinking of that person.

Best Investment

We all have different views on how to spend money. If we are a spender, we will spend money easily on gifts, but in the other hand, if we are a saver, we might feel emotional resistance to the idea of spending money as “an expression of love”. We don’t even purchase things for ourselves, why would we purchase something for our spouse ?

But this view is narrow minded, by saving money we care for our own emotional needs. We are not meeting the emotional needs of our spouse (especially in the case where his/her primary love language is receiving gifts). We must realise that this is the best investment we can make: investing in the relationship.

Gift of self

There is a gift that speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in one’s hand. It is called the gift of self, the gift of presence.

Being there for someone when they need you is important. For some people being there for them is more important than anything else in their mind. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift we can give to someone’s whose primary language is receiving gifts. Our body / presence becomes the symbol of our love.

If the physical presence of your mate is important to you, it is important to verbalise it, do not expect them to read your mind. On the other hand, we should take those requests seriously because otherwise it might be misunderstood and communicate a message that we do not intend.

Practice

• Gifts can be purchased, found or made
• Important thing to remember: don’t wait for special occasions to give gifts !
• Writing I love you on a piece of paper or gratitude (↔ words of appreciation)
• Gift of memory, new experience (↔ quality time)
• Giving something that recalls a shared memory, a place we have been to (specific to it)
• Giving something that interests the person
• Grabbing something to drink for our mate when we grab one for ourselves -> gift/token of love, we thought of them
• Gift of presence - Gift of self
• We can make a list of gifts our mate has expressed excitement about receiving through the years, we can ask family members or friends. This will give us an idea of what he/she enjoy receiving.
• Something handmade - scrapbook, painting, wood carving, ceramics, …
• Nature (stone, …)
• Gift idea notebook: every time our mate says “I like xxx” “I would enjoy having xxx” → write it down in a notebook
• Book (that interests him/her) and read it to him/her weekly and discuss

Some additional ideas:

• dinner
• trip
• potted plant
• rose, flowers
• little card, little notes
• cookies, ice cream

Love language #4: Acts of service

Expressing love by doing things for someone. I mean, this is pretty straightforward:

• Cleaning
• Groceries shopping
• Cooking
• Setting the table
• Emptying the dishwasher
• Paying the bills
• Walking the dog

Those things require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. Done with a positive spirit, they are expressions of love.

“I was thinking of you, you were with me even when you were gone.”

No one likes to be forced to do anything. Love cannot be demanded, it is freely given. We can make requests to each other but we can never demand anything. Because requests give direction to love whereas demand stops the flow of love.

Practice

• “Request list” - make a list of services we would like to feel loved, it’s important to formulate good requests that do not come off as nags or put downs - the wording is important. Ask your mate to communicate it to you. Try to answer those requests in the following days, months.
• We can serve someone our spouse loves (parent, etc…)
• We can turn those acts as “surprises”, especially if they are away for some time or we haven’t seen each other for a while. (Eg: preparing dinner, making the table and bed ready, and so on. It could be a whole planned trip or vacation too !!!)

Love language #5: Physical touch

There are many forms of physical touch: holding hands, kissing, embracing, sexual intercourse… those are all ways to communicate emotional love to your partner.

Physical is not limited to one localized area of the body. We have many tiny receptors that when touched will communicate signals to the brain. Those signals can cause pain or pleasure and we might interpret them as loving or hostile.

The main purpose of physical touch is its psychological importance. Lovingly touching our partner anywhere can be an expression of love. Some touches will bring them more pleasure than other, but what is important is to learn their dialect. Understand what they enjoy. We must be sensible to their needs and care about their perception of what is pleasant. Everyone is different and what we might perceive as pleasant might be uncomfortable or even irritating to our partner. The key is to communicate love through physical touch in a way that they perceive as loving.

This display of love touch can be explicit: massage, sexual intercourse, … Or it can be implicit, putting a hand on their shoulder as we go grab a cup of coffee, kissing/hugging them as we leave for work or even just as we pass near them, when we return home, grabbing their hand on a walk or during a family dinner, sitting close to each other while watching a movie, touching them under the table: foot against foot when sitting in front, a hand in their lap when sitting next to each other, a kiss after getting into the car… those implicit love touches, although they last a very brief moment, they require thought.

Obviously, if we haven’t grown up in a “touchy” family, those displays of affection might not come up naturally to us. However, it can be learned !

In our society, shaking hands communicate openness to another individual, by refusing to shake hands, we communicate that there is something wrong in the relationship. This is the same in a love relationship, we must remember that “To touch my body is to touch me, to withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally”.

Practice

• Trying out new touches in new places and ask for feedback
• Holding him/her when they cry: words may mean little, but physical touch will communicate that we care
• Giving gifts that appeals their tactile nature: blanket, plush
• Hug them more often + couple with words of appreciation
• Massage, cuddles
• Putting a hand on their shoulder as we go grab a cup of coffee
• Kissing/hugging them as we leave for work or even just as we pass near them, when we return home
• Grabbing their hand on a walk
• Running a hand along his/her arm, putting our arm around them as we speak during a family dinner. It communicates: “Even with all those people in our house, I still see you”.
• Sitting close to each other while watching a movie
• Touching them under the table: foot against foot when sitting in front, a hand in their lap when sitting next to each other
• Kiss after getting into the car
• When there is distance, we can send handwritten letters: this is something tangible. Sending a picture of ourselves works great or we can give them something we wear often, symbolically it can communicate that we are here with them.

Discovering your primary love language

For some people, they can know easily whaat their love language is. For others, it might be a little bit complicated.

A common mistake is to assume our primary love language is physical touch because of our desire for sexual intercourse. For men, this desire has mostly a physical root. For women, this desire is mostly influenced by her emotions, so their biological sexual drive is closely tied to their emotional need for love. In most marriages, sexual problems have more to do with meeting emotional needs.

3 questions to help us discover our love language

“What does our partner do or fail to do that hurts us most deeply ?”

A way to find out our love language is to look back on our own experiences and study times when we got hurt by the other person, or we can imagine the opposite. How much would it hurt if the other person give us the silent treatment, what if they don’t put much effort into giving us a gift, what if they don’t do something to us that they always have done in the past ? What if they do stop initiating physical touch ?

“What have I most often requested of my spouse ?”

We can reflect on what we have been mostly asking our partner.

This might give us a clearer indication on how we have been guiding our partner into communicating love to us in a way that we feel loved. (Remember: requests give guidance)

“How do I regularly express my love to my spouse ?”

Other than remembering what we have been asking, we can also look into how we have been communicating our love to our partner. Maybe, what we are doing things for him/her is what we wish they would do for us 🤯.

But be careful, you might be doing those things because you have been raised this way and have picked up the same habits. The main thing is that it should resonate with you internally.

Practice

• “Tank Check”: 3 times a week for 3 weeks, ask each other: “On a scale from 0 to 10, how is your love tank tonight ?” “What could I do yo help fill it ?” This way, we can open up the discussion for suggestions and help each other to feel loved.

Love is a choice

In this chapter, the author communicates that love is a choice. We are creatures of choices and we might have made some poor choices in the past. We may not be very proud of them, we may have said or done hurtful things our partner. However, it doesn’t mean that we must take those poor choices in the future.

Love is important, although it cannot erase the past but it can make the future different. Apologizing sincerely is crucial. And when we actively express love in the primary love language of our partner, it creates an emotional climate where we can deal with past conflicts and failures.

“I don’t love her anymore”

One feeling that can arise when we come down from the “in-love” experience is the feeling that our relationship has become empty, that our feelings for the other person have disappeared. This feeling is common to millions of people in the world. To better understand this feeling, we must understand that the “in-love” experience at the beginning of a relationship is not premeditated, it is instinctive and only meets our emotional needs for love temporarily. We feel that someone admires us, appreciates us. However, the “in-love” experience ends, our tank slowly drains when our emotional needs are not met by the other person. When our love tank is empty for some time, we fall out of love, we are likely to “fall in love” with someone else and this cycle will repeat again. Many people confuse the “in-love” experience with the “emotional need to feel loved”. One does not arise from a conscious choice while the other does.Therefore, accepting that love is a conscious choice is necessary. Speaking our mate’s love language whether or not it is natural for us, is fundamental to a healthy marriage.

Love makes the difference

Psychologists have observed that among our basic needs are the need for security, self-worth and significance. Love is related to all 3 of them. When we feel loved, we are secure in their presence. Loving and being loved by someone gives us a sense of self-worth and significance in each other’s lives. On the contrary, when we don’t feel loved, our differences are magnified, we view each other as a threat to our happiness. Love does not answer everything but it creates an environment where we can discuss differences without condemnations, where conflicts can be resolved. 2 different people can learn to live together in harmony and discover how to bring out the best in each other. Those are the rewards of love. This idea that someone will choose us and do what they can for us to feel loved, doesn’t it make love beautiful ?

Practice

• Let’s think about what our spouse does to make us feel more “significant”
• Let’s think about what we do for them.

Conclusion

Communicating love effectively is fundamental to relationships in general. There are 5 love languages: quality time, physical touch, gifts, acts of services and words of affirmation.

We might enjoy all of them but there are some that communicates love louder to us than others. Keeping each other’s love tank full is important, because without feeling loved, appreciated, we feel taken for granted, used and unappreciated.

If we feel unloved, we can make request to our mate to let them know how we feel. We can guide them into being better lovers. We cannot expect them to read our mind, we often see the worlds through our own perception and sometimes what our partner see as a problem might not even come up in our mind.

For a healthy marriage, it is important to also learn these skills: how to discuss our differences without condemning each other, how to make decisions together without destroying our unity, how to give constructive suggestions without being demanding, how to apologize sincerely.

Love calls for understanding, compassion and giving wholeheartedly.

Side Note

I also want to add that if you have any feedback to give me, on how I could improve my writing, I would be more than happy to listen to you. I believe that receiving constructive feedback and being willing to change are necessary to become a better person, therefore don’t hesitate to send me an email: thosamthosamthosam@gmail.com